Why are conversations about loneliness still taboo?
More than a quarter of UK adults feel lonely always, often or some of the time, according to data from the Office for National Statistics. So why is it so hard to start conversations about loneliness? Gary Jones, a director at Totum Partners, spoke to Centrum.
What prompted you to start talking about loneliness?
Through conversations I’ve had at work and in daily life, I’ve become increasingly aware people – regardless of age, seniority or circumstance – get to a point in life where they suddenly become exposed and lonely.
This can take different forms. Some people are out of work and find it tough and feel isolated when others aren’t getting back to them about roles. Others might be those who you would regard as being at the top of their profession, like a managing partner who finishes a term of office. One minute they can’t get a moment to themselves, the next they leave the firm, and no one returns their calls. They lose their identity.
It’s something to which I’ve become more attuned. From a personal perspective, I had issues with PTSD that led to me having to remove myself from events and meetings. It was the right thing to do to maintain my equilibrium, but it meant I was alone a lot. I didn’t think I was lonely – I don’t think I’m lonely – but I believe I’m better able to spot behaviours around loneliness. Not a lot of people talk about this subject, but I think it’s important we do.
I started talking about loneliness with my contacts on social media. Then, a few months ago, I ran a short survey about loneliness which generated some startling results.
More than a third (36%) described themselves as lonely, 63% had never told anyone they were lonely, and 82% have never been asked if they were lonely. More than three-quarters (77%) said they would be interested in learning about ways to help people who are lonely. That’s why this conversation is so important.
What are some of the behaviours you’ve noticed?
Loneliness is a topic that is still very difficult for people to talk about. One thing to look at is moving beyond the ‘how are you?’, ‘I’m fine’ conversation. Maybe ask the question in a different way or go back and ask if they really are fine. Sometimes it’s as simple as that – if someone is struggling, this can help to open the conversation.
For example, I almost never say ‘OK’ when people ask me. I might talk about something funny or interesting that has happened or, if I’m feeling down, I’ll say so.
Feelings of loneliness are often just below the surface and people just need an opportunity to talk. It needs unlocking, and that’s often about moving beyond the transactional ‘how are you?’ conversation.
Another example is in the Pret a Manger in my hometown, where I go out of my way to spend some time each morning. It’s a community where everybody knows each other and spends some time chatting, even if that might not be replicated throughout the day. This is their little oasis of connection for 45 minutes, where people know their name and they have somewhere to go.
There is one guy in his 80s called Ian who moved to the area and doesn’t know many people. He is lonely and doesn’t have a lot to fill his days, so he comes in at the same time every day, sits at the same table with his coffee and paper and has a chat with the staff and regulars.
On Valentine’s Day, he bought chocolates for all the staff, moving one to tears. The joy he brought was lovely, and I’ve since gotten to know him. I find Ian very uplifting. His positivity and compassion is inspiring.
“From a business point of view, it’s now easy to monitor, track and observe what your people are doing. If there are people in your business who never go home, or always work on a Sunday, something is not right. There’s something to be said for making interventions around patterns you observe, rather than ignoring them.”
What can we do as a society to combat loneliness?
I do think there are lots of societal issues contributing to loneliness. Technology is replacing humans in everything we do, whether that’s buying a pint of milk from the shop or a train ticket from the station. Working from home also means there is less human contact than before.
One thing that jumped out from the survey was that someone can be alone, but not lonely. Conversely, you can be surrounded by people at home and work and feel completely isolated.
From a business point of view, it’s now very easy to monitor, track and observe what your people are doing. If there are people in your business who never go home, or always work on a Sunday, something is not right. There’s something to be said for making interventions around patterns you observe rather than ignoring them.
Are there any organisations making a positive difference that you can recommend?
One positive outcome of the survey was people suggested different organisations combating loneliness. One of these is Andy’s Man Club, which is a men’s suicide prevention charity operated through discussion groups. Every Monday at 7.00 pm men of all different ages who are struggling for a variety of reasons meet up across the country for a chat.
I decided to start going to my local meet-up and it’s amazing how powerful it can be. Many of the attendees have faced worse things than I have but the meet-up is never downcast. There is lots of laughter and banter and it’s very uplifting.
I now regularly meet up with a group of four or five attendees for a beer before we head to the session on Mondays. One week, we even had a guy who was a regular elsewhere but was travelling for work. Rather than being in a hotel by himself on a Monday night, he chose to pop along to a nearby Andy’s Man Club.
The community it has provided has filled a hole I didn’t think I had. It reminds you that people face challenges all the time and it’s humbling. I’m now going through facilitator training, so I can help a chap I have come to know through all these conversations set up another branch.
About the author
Gary Jones is one of three founding directors at business services recruitment experts Totum. He focuses on the recruitment of senior and chief level management professionals.